Eternal parasite!

We all have our demons.. those thoughts that have haunted us at some or the other point in time.. some of us meet our demons when we are kids and eventually we learn to defeat them.. some of us meet our demons much later, at a stage when our demons are strong.. but so what, some of us are stronger and find a way to battle them out of our lives.. and then, there are some of us who cannot defeat our demons.. and we live with them for the rest of our lives..
Me, I have fought my childhood demons and fought some more serious ones as well.. but still, I live each day of my life, with that one demon whom I cannot destroy.. The Eternal Parasite.. the one who just won’t let go of me.. every day, every minute of my life, I’m conscious of its presence around me, on me.. and trust me, I am not exaggerating here.. I met my demon when I was 15 years old and we’ve been together ever since.. today I’m 28, and I’ve seen loads of changes in my life.. and my one true companion through this journey of more than a decade, has been none other than my demon!!
I have tried my level best to defeat my demon, but to no avail.. i have prayed and prayed for a miracle, but to no avail.. people have always seen me as a freak and spat on my face, not literally though.. and all I could do was to stand and stare, wait for the heart-wrenching moment to pass and move along, with my demon.. I was and have always been self conscious.. I was never the one to look the world in its eye and be proud of who I am.. I was never the one to defeat my demon..
And so we live together.. until death do us apart, I guess.. I, the ever- miserable, gloomy soul.. never happy and never normal.. never having had a chance to experience a normal life.. always envious of those fortunate ones.. always sad, always defeated.. and my demon, the parasite, living off my misery.. always thriving, always growing.. threatening to take away whatever I have from me..
Some times I cry and some times I feel I’ve no emotions left.. some times I hope for the best and some times I wait for the worst.. some times I try and some times I give up.. but every time I remember an innocent 15 year old and I tell her, no matter what happens, I wont leave you alone.. together we will see this through, wherever the road may lead.. you, me and our demon!!

Institutionalized!!

Hi there..

Recently, I watched the movie- The Shawshank Redemption.. It was a very well made, to- the- point, no- nonsense film.. And I really liked it.. Now while this movie actually revolves around how an innocent yet wrongly convicted man breaks out of the prison, there were some of his prison inmates who suffered from what they called INSTITUTIONALIZATION.. Fancy word that… And some how, at the end of the film, I realized that that’s what my curiosity had latched on to..

What institutionalization meant was, the prisoners were so accustomed to prison life that at the end of their sentence, they didn’t want to leave the penitentiary.. Because they knew not, what the world held in store for them and if they would be able to cope with this massive change..

Some how, after the film ended, my mind started drawing parallels with the fancy disorder that the prisoners suffered from, with my own work-life attitude.. So as I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have worked for 3.5 years in the Finance department of an IT company. Β It took almost one full year to get sort of settled with the corporate life.. After that, there have been the usual ups and downs but mostly the really tough part was over..

Today, when I think of where I am, what I am doing, am I paid well etc etc, my first response is ‘No, I deserve better!’ That doesn’t mean I am perfect at what I do, it simply means that the give and take between me and my company isn’t balanced. And if this is how I truly feel, if I know that this situation will not change, then what’s holding me back here?? Why haven’t I left this company and secured a better job (well at least thats what everyone says when they switch jobs)? Am I Institutionalized?? I guess….. I am…..

Getting institutionalized is frankly nothing more than getting stuck in your comfort zone and not wishing to step out of it even when you know that you should.. Be it with your job, your friends, relationships, your city even, ideologies.. If there were a check list to test the applicability of institutionalization, I would have qualified in all areas..

Here’s hoping that I can step out of the imaginary prison that I sometimes create around myself and boldly face the ever changing world..

Here’s hoping that-

1. I will never work more than what I’m paid for πŸ˜›

2. I will change my job if that’s the logical solution to my problems πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

3. I will not be scared to move to a new place, except Pakistan perhaps πŸ˜› πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

4. I will not put anyone on a pedestal, and I mean ANYONE, if it means compromising on my dignity and the things that I believe in the most

5. I will do a lot of things which I really have no strength to enlist right now πŸ˜€

6. I will get un-institutionalized!!

Back after a short break!

Hi there..

I’m back after about two months.. No, I wasn’t lazy to write.. And no, I most certainly wasn’t thought-free.. I was, rather am, buried under a truck load of work and couldn’t make time for the blog.

Life is quite pretentious in the IT sector.. Really.. At least in the Finance profiles of the IT sector.. Frankly we work on stuff which alters no ones lives.. But we put on a faΓ§ade of being the all-important souls that mould the world’s economy..

I have worked for three and half years in one company.. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far. But I did. Its been quite a roller coaster ride and I’ve mostly enjoyed it.. But now, the monotony, the monopoly, the heart break (yeah, i’ve witnessed it too in office) has started getting to me.. And going to office everday, is becoming a tragic event..

But, nonetheless, I want to make a commitment to myself.. To keep writing at least once a week, no matter how much the workload..

My Poems # 5 – Dear mother of mine

This is a poem that I composed as a gift to my mother on her 50th birthday back in the year 2012.

Dear mother of mine

 

Actions speak louder than words they say,

much deeper feelings they do convey.

Your words may fade but your actions will forever shine,

I cherish them all, dear mother of mine.

 

When I was weak, you taught me to be strong,

you showed me the difference between right and wrong.

You helped me to never fall out of line,

I thank you for that, dear mother of mine.

 

Though on some days we do fight,

and times are not as happy and bright,

in the end, everything is always fine,

I owe it to you, dear mother of mine.

 

So as you enjoy this golden day,

There’s just one more thing that’s left to say.

Your presence in my life will always be divine.

I love you, dear mother of mine.

My Poems # 4 – True love never ends..

Yesterday I was your lover,

today I’m just a friend.

But no matter how much time passes,

my love for you will never end.

 

Yesterday I narrated stories to you,

Today, I’ve nothing to tell.

But no matter what happens,

I will always wish you well.

 

Yesterday, having you beside me,

made days filled with struggle and strife.

But no matter what others feel,

those were the best days of my life.

 

So on that fateful yesterday we fought

and today it’s too late to make amends.

But just remember always my sweet one,

that true love never ends…

My Poems # 3 – Hope!

I stood amidst a crowd of people,

no friendly faces I could see.

I couldn’t help but ask myself,

is this how life was meant to be?

 

Day by day,

the loneliness got closer.

I smiled at strangers,

but I felt like a loser.

 

The train to my destination

had long since departed.

I stood alone at the platform,

I felt broken- hearted.

 

I sat alone in the silence

and wondered what went wrong.

Finally the answer came to me,

like a melodious song.

 

The journey of life goes on,

though the destination may change.

I must accept this and move on

though at times it may seem strange.

 

Then the dark clouds parted

and revealed a lining of silver.

I saw the path that God chose for me,

which his angel came to deliver.

 

I see happiness ahead of me,

for it I no longer grope.

I thank this wonderful angel

for showing me a ray of hope…

 

 

 

 

My Poems # 2 – The Last Walk..

This is an unfinished poem.. Actually, I don’t think it qualifies as a poem as it’s only 4 lines long..

So what happened was, in the year 2009, I was yet to clear the second level of my CA examination. I had taken up an Information Technology training which was mandatory.. Frankly, I don’t remember what on earth I learned in that class. SM was there with me, rather I opted to complete this training from a class which was 2 kms away from her home and 20 kms from mine.. So anyway, I had her company in class, which meant that we learned less (read nothing) and only gossiped..

So one day we had to do something related to Microsoft Word.. It was about using the advanced features of Word but SM and I weren’t really paying attention when the instructor explained the features so we didn’t have much to work on during the practice time..Β SM told me a story about one of her office colleagues who was upset because the love of his life got married to someone else.. His tragedy is what I started writing on but couldn’t finish the poem as the instructor came to our workstation to see what SM and I were up to..

Anyway, now that I have given a 20+ lines introduction for a 4 line poem, may be I should just type the poem!!

The Last Walk..

 

Oh how silently they walked,

they knew not what to say.

For they knew it was their last walk

and neither wanted to go away..

My Poems # 1 – You and I..

I composed this poem in 2005 when I was in college. A Hindi movie had released just then by the name of Parineeta and I didn’t accompany my family to the theater for this movie because apparently I had to study for some exam.. Boo!!!! Anyway, so somebody in my family later narrated the story to me and that was a very vague inspiration for the poem that follows.

The “You” in the poem is a boy and the “I” is a girl. I must inform you, reader, that the story told in the poem is not mine and that there were a lot of people whose real- life incidents I have shamelessly used without informing them.. Please also note that I was 11 years younger when I wrote this poem so if you think its childish…. then yes it definitely was written by a child!!!

You and I

I vividly remember that day,

when I was only two.

The most treasured moment of my life,

was when I first saw you.

It was the first day of play school

and there was no one whom I knew.

I just saw a bunch of cranky toddlers

and a calm and composed you.

The next moment I was by your side,

shaking hands with my life’s first friend.

And a little girl made up her little mind,

we’d be together till the very end.

In the two years of play school,

happiness was all you made me see.

I loved everything about you,

but most, to hear you talk to me.

That day I saw my life shatter,

on the first day of my ‘All Girls School”

Ten years in life without you,

Oh, what an obnoxious rule!

I quickly pulled myself together

as life took a new turn.

Even then in a school girl’s heart

a fire continued to burn.

Ten years of school life rolled by quickly

and I had thoroughly enjoyed them.

My new friends were comparable to diamonds,

but I longed for my priceless gem.

An anxious girl entered college,

and suddenly my heart skipped a beat

As I turned to see who sat beside me,

it was you in the next seat.

I looked in to your eyes

and you looked in to mine.

A college girl said to herself,

Life’s gonna be just fine!

Happiness once again filled my life

no pain, no sorrow, no fear.

As my mind danced with glee,

in yours lurked fear.

We both did brilliantly in our exams,

studies was never our worry.

I was heartbroken you had to go abroad,

you uttered a meaningful sorry.

I took my life seriously,

and completed my education in style.

A successful woman had everything one would desire,

except your greatest asset, my 1000- watt smile.

You too missed me a lot,

and I wondered why our ways had to part.

Until the day when you called up and said,

Don’t worry, my home is your heart!

Then finally the skies cleared

and the dark clouds revealed a silver lining.

When you came back to me,

Gosh, I just couldn’t stop smiling.

At long last God had united us

and all our problems came to an end.

As two paths became one,

His choicest blessings He did send.

Thirty years of our married life

were nothing less than magic.

A happy wife always wondered why,

to some, marriage was so tragic.

Then one day I fell so ill,

I knew my end drew nearer.

But to die before you did,

there’s nothing I’d consider dearer.

As I lie on my deathbed now,

I find you always beside me.

In your mind lurks fear,

mine still dances with glee.

I have just a few moments left,

and one task yet to do.

I hold your hand, look in to your eyes,

for the last time I say, “I love you”.

A complete woman heaves a sigh of relief,

as I finish composing ‘You and I’.

With you, I lived life to the fullest,

and now, I can peacefully die…