Eternal parasite!

We all have our demons.. those thoughts that have haunted us at some or the other point in time.. some of us meet our demons when we are kids and eventually we learn to defeat them.. some of us meet our demons much later, at a stage when our demons are strong.. but so what, some of us are stronger and find a way to battle them out of our lives.. and then, there are some of us who cannot defeat our demons.. and we live with them for the rest of our lives..
Me, I have fought my childhood demons and fought some more serious ones as well.. but still, I live each day of my life, with that one demon whom I cannot destroy.. The Eternal Parasite.. the one who just won’t let go of me.. every day, every minute of my life, I’m conscious of its presence around me, on me.. and trust me, I am not exaggerating here.. I met my demon when I was 15 years old and we’ve been together ever since.. today I’m 28, and I’ve seen loads of changes in my life.. and my one true companion through this journey of more than a decade, has been none other than my demon!!
I have tried my level best to defeat my demon, but to no avail.. i have prayed and prayed for a miracle, but to no avail.. people have always seen me as a freak and spat on my face, not literally though.. and all I could do was to stand and stare, wait for the heart-wrenching moment to pass and move along, with my demon.. I was and have always been self conscious.. I was never the one to look the world in its eye and be proud of who I am.. I was never the one to defeat my demon..
And so we live together.. until death do us apart, I guess.. I, the ever- miserable, gloomy soul.. never happy and never normal.. never having had a chance to experience a normal life.. always envious of those fortunate ones.. always sad, always defeated.. and my demon, the parasite, living off my misery.. always thriving, always growing.. threatening to take away whatever I have from me..
Some times I cry and some times I feel I’ve no emotions left.. some times I hope for the best and some times I wait for the worst.. some times I try and some times I give up.. but every time I remember an innocent 15 year old and I tell her, no matter what happens, I wont leave you alone.. together we will see this through, wherever the road may lead.. you, me and our demon!!

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Life in a nutshell #2

“He said that she was his best friend.. She wondered whether he liked saying things that he didn’t mean or that he said things without knowing what they meant..”

Institutionalized!!

Hi there..

Recently, I watched the movie- The Shawshank Redemption.. It was a very well made, to- the- point, no- nonsense film.. And I really liked it.. Now while this movie actually revolves around how an innocent yet wrongly convicted man breaks out of the prison, there were some of his prison inmates who suffered from what they called INSTITUTIONALIZATION.. Fancy word that… And some how, at the end of the film, I realized that that’s what my curiosity had latched on to..

What institutionalization meant was, the prisoners were so accustomed to prison life that at the end of their sentence, they didn’t want to leave the penitentiary.. Because they knew not, what the world held in store for them and if they would be able to cope with this massive change..

Some how, after the film ended, my mind started drawing parallels with the fancy disorder that the prisoners suffered from, with my own work-life attitude.. So as I have mentioned in one of my earlier posts, I have worked for 3.5 years in the Finance department of an IT company. Β It took almost one full year to get sort of settled with the corporate life.. After that, there have been the usual ups and downs but mostly the really tough part was over..

Today, when I think of where I am, what I am doing, am I paid well etc etc, my first response is ‘No, I deserve better!’ That doesn’t mean I am perfect at what I do, it simply means that the give and take between me and my company isn’t balanced. And if this is how I truly feel, if I know that this situation will not change, then what’s holding me back here?? Why haven’t I left this company and secured a better job (well at least thats what everyone says when they switch jobs)? Am I Institutionalized?? I guess….. I am…..

Getting institutionalized is frankly nothing more than getting stuck in your comfort zone and not wishing to step out of it even when you know that you should.. Be it with your job, your friends, relationships, your city even, ideologies.. If there were a check list to test the applicability of institutionalization, I would have qualified in all areas..

Here’s hoping that I can step out of the imaginary prison that I sometimes create around myself and boldly face the ever changing world..

Here’s hoping that-

1. I will never work more than what I’m paid for πŸ˜›

2. I will change my job if that’s the logical solution to my problems πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

3. I will not be scared to move to a new place, except Pakistan perhaps πŸ˜› πŸ˜› πŸ˜›

4. I will not put anyone on a pedestal, and I mean ANYONE, if it means compromising on my dignity and the things that I believe in the most

5. I will do a lot of things which I really have no strength to enlist right now πŸ˜€

6. I will get un-institutionalized!!

Back after a short break!

Hi there..

I’m back after about two months.. No, I wasn’t lazy to write.. And no, I most certainly wasn’t thought-free.. I was, rather am, buried under a truck load of work and couldn’t make time for the blog.

Life is quite pretentious in the IT sector.. Really.. At least in the Finance profiles of the IT sector.. Frankly we work on stuff which alters no ones lives.. But we put on a faΓ§ade of being the all-important souls that mould the world’s economy..

I have worked for three and half years in one company.. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d make it this far. But I did. Its been quite a roller coaster ride and I’ve mostly enjoyed it.. But now, the monotony, the monopoly, the heart break (yeah, i’ve witnessed it too in office) has started getting to me.. And going to office everday, is becoming a tragic event..

But, nonetheless, I want to make a commitment to myself.. To keep writing at least once a week, no matter how much the workload..

My Poems # 5 – Dear mother of mine

This is a poem that I composed as a gift to my mother on her 50th birthday back in the year 2012.

Dear mother of mine

 

Actions speak louder than words they say,

much deeper feelings they do convey.

Your words may fade but your actions will forever shine,

I cherish them all, dear mother of mine.

 

When I was weak, you taught me to be strong,

you showed me the difference between right and wrong.

You helped me to never fall out of line,

I thank you for that, dear mother of mine.

 

Though on some days we do fight,

and times are not as happy and bright,

in the end, everything is always fine,

I owe it to you, dear mother of mine.

 

So as you enjoy this golden day,

There’s just one more thing that’s left to say.

Your presence in my life will always be divine.

I love you, dear mother of mine.

My Poems # 4 – True love never ends..

Yesterday I was your lover,

today I’m just a friend.

But no matter how much time passes,

my love for you will never end.

 

Yesterday I narrated stories to you,

Today, I’ve nothing to tell.

But no matter what happens,

I will always wish you well.

 

Yesterday, having you beside me,

made days filled with struggle and strife.

But no matter what others feel,

those were the best days of my life.

 

So on that fateful yesterday we fought

and today it’s too late to make amends.

But just remember always my sweet one,

that true love never ends…